Malachite
by Two Hours' Traffic
Summary: Rosalie, sick of Emmett's bragging, challenges him to the ultimate battle of the wits. No vampire powers allowed. Just Rosalie, Emmett and Trivial Pursuit.
1. Overture

**Esme**

"Oh, Emmett, for God's sake – leave me alone!"

"Rose, what have I done wrong?"

"You know damn well what you did!"

She sped up the stairs, Emmett following worriedly. The others trailed in, Alice kissing my cheek as she danced past.

"Hi, Esme! How's life?"

"Pretty good, pretty good. Jasper, what's going on with those two?"

"I'm getting anger from Rose, frustration and mirth from Emmett. But you could have guessed that."

Edward spoke up next, the hint of a smirk playing on his lips. "Rosalie told Emmett that he was a brainless brute, and that she'd leave him if he didn't treat her with a bit of respect. Which is bullshit, of course."

Jasper swallowed a grin. "Which part of it?"

"I'd like to think all. But recently discovered evidence is pointing towards the fact that -"

"Edward..." I warned.

He smiled at me. "Sorry, Mum."

They were all so frustrating. They knew that any anger could be quenched by that word.

A voice came down the stairs: "Oh, for Christ's sake, Rosalie Cullen! You're such a child!"

A door slammed, and Emmett stormed down into the living room. He fell onto the couch and ground his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"That girl..." he muttered.

I decided that he would talk when he wanted to, and not before. His brothers' intervention would just irritate him further.

"So, boys, how was school?"

"Alright."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Wow, sounds fantastic! Did you learn anything new and exciting?" I tried, and failed, to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. My boys, I was sure, knew the syllabus of their school back to front. Perhaps better than the teachers did.

"Esme. Honestly. In Biology we were doing the structure of DNA. Again." Edward sighed and rolled his eyes.

Make that probably.

Jasper gave his input. "In English, we were analysing To Kill A Mockingbird. Did you know, they say that the greater comprehension that comes from analysing books aids you in a greater appreciation of the novel? Just for the record, I don't think that's true at all."

Emmett spoke up in the background. "We were doing anti-differentiation in Calculus."

"Was that interesting?"

"Nah. Not really. Can't say that I haven't done it before. But I have to pretend that I haven't. Otherwise they'd give me more homework."

He groaned, contemplating the time he'd have to put in to complete the work he'd been given that day. It may well take him... half an hour. If he didn't try.

I tried to figure out a way to get the conversation back onto Emmett and Rosalie. I had to admit, I was curious. Edward met my eyes and smiled wickedly.

"So Emmett, remind me: what exactly happened between you and Rose?"

Emmett groaned. "She's ridiculous, that woman. She really is. It's not like it was anything important."

Edward and Jasper smirked. I was obviously missing something.

"So what _was_ it?"

"I smiled at a girl today. That's _all_. This girl smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and then in Geography, Rose was bored and wasn't paying attention, and she answered a question wrong. And it's not like I laughed to be mean. I laughed 'cause I'm a happy person."

I could see where this was going.

"So, class is over and we're walking out, and I was juggling my books, and I dropped one. And Rose stubs her toe on it. And all I said was that I wouldn't have. And she freaked out at me."

"Sorry... why did she 'freak out' exactly?"

"Those weren't exactly the words he used," Jasper grinned, remembering the afternoon. "It was more something along the lines of: 'My God, Rose, why are you such a klutz today? You got a question wrong _and_ you almost tripped on something. Why don't you just take a leaf out of my book?'"

"I see..." I murmured. "Oh well, you're big kids now, so you're going to have to work this out by yourselves."

"Esme, I didn't mean to offend her. I really didn't. But you know what she's like. Once she gets in a mood, there's no stopping her! I've tried apologising and everything. I get the feeling that she's going to be horrible to me. I really do."

"Well, you're just going to have to take it, aren't you?"

Alice appeared at the doorway. "How was your day, Esme?"

"It was pretty good. I was planning to make use that new cookbook that woman in the bookshop convinced me to buy, and do some pasta or something, just to practise, but Tess of the d'Urbervilles got in the way. I finished it though, which was good. Oh, and I worked on my dissertation."

I'd recently begun a correspondence course, which would result in a long-awaited Law degree. That was one qualification that I didn't have yet. Maybe I'd get a job the next time we moved.

Alice smiled. "That's cool." She turned to Emmett. "She's coming in a minute. Just so you know."

"Just perfect. That's just freaking fabulous." He began to pace the room, a nervous habit that he had kept from his old life.

Rosalie materialized. "Emmett, honey, I've been thinking..."

Emmett looked at her nervously, affection plain in his eyes. "Rose, I've been thinking. And I'm really sorry for being so rude before. I am, I swear."

"I know, Emmett. I know. But it did hurt me... Luckily, I've thought up a way to settle it once and for all."

"Oh, yeah? And what's that? You going to force me to grovel? Or paint your toenails? Or paint _my_ toenails?"

"No, no... Of course not! I'd never do that. I just thought I'd challenge you to a little battle of the wits."

"All right... What did you have in mind?"

"How about... Trivial Pursuit?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jasper and Edward high-fiving.


	2. Rabbit Punch

**Edward**

Emmett pulled out the Trivial Pursuit box. The familiar blue board was whacked onto the table, the counters and dice were set out, and the question boxes placed lovingly in their appropriate positions.

Joke.

They were actually thrown down too. Emmett was eager to prove his intelligence to his wife, who was just as eager to prove hers.

I set myself up as referee, not wanting this to get out of hand. Esme retreated to the kitchen with her cookbook, Jasper sat down to watch, Alice leaned in the doorway, and the opponents sat opposite each other, trying to intimidate the other one.

"Honey, you don't have to do this. I know how hard it is for you to lose games. You don't have to put yourself through this torment."

"Rosalie Hale, shut up. Don't be obnoxious."

The '_I love you_' was implied.

I took control. "OK... you've got to roll to see who goes first."

"Thanks for the help, Eddie, but we've played before."

Emmett rolled a five.

Rosalie rolled a five.

Emmett rolled a four.

Rosalie rolled a four.

Six.

Six.

Three.

Three.

Five.

Five.

"Emmett, have you rigged the die again?"

He looked flabbergasted. "Me? Rig the die? I don't think so. But, because I'm a gentleman, you can go first."

Rosalie beamed at him. "Too kind."

She rolled a four, moved her counter and looked at her husband pointedly.

"Oh, right..." He grabbed a card out of the box. "How many rings make up an arm on a Michelin Man?"

"Four."

One.

"What colour is malachite?"

"Green."

Three.

"Which Beatle blurted out "Cranberry sauce!" at the end of Strawberry Fields Forever?"

She looked worried. "Oh, God... Ringo Starr?"

"John Lennon," Alice called from the door.

"Alice... please just... don't."

"Rosalie..." Esme called warningly from the kitchen.

Emmett looked at his wife. "Remind me again why we're doing this."

"So that I can show you, once and for all, that I can answer more questions correctly that you can, that I can get pie faster than you, and that there is absolutely no need for me to try and emulate you."

"Right... my turn!" He grabbed the dice, rolled a seven and made his way across the board.

"How many drops make a dash in cooking?"

"Six."

"Where does a rabbit punch land in boxing?"

"Back of the head."

"What was the surname of the American Civil War general who has lent his name to prostitutes?"

"That would be General Hooker." He grinned at Jasper.

"Good old Fighting Joe," said Jasper. "Legend."

"Not the most original nickname," Rosalie commented, giggling. Then she remembered what she was doing, fixed her husband with a pseudo-glare and picked out another card."

"Which star of the movie M*A*S*H played Monica and Ross's father on Friends?"

"Oh... um... that guy with the hair. What was his name? Damn it..."

He looked around for assistance. Alice smiled cheekily, and mimed zipping her lips and throwing away the key.

I decided it was time to enter into the conversation. "No helping allowed. This is seeing whether you or Rosalie has the greatest general knowledge. Do you give up?"

"Yeah, alright."

"Elliot Gould!" came Esme's voice. She walked into the room, wiping her hands on her pants. "I remember seeing The Long Goodbye with Carlisle in... Juneau, maybe? So that would have been 1973. That was a great movie. All about a detective who was arrested because the cops thought that he'd helped in the murder of his friend's wife."

"Wow. Sounds fabulous," Jasper muttered. Then he spoke up: "A comedy, was it?"

"You're a laugh-a-minute, Jasper. And, just for the record, it was great."

"I trust you. Will you forgive me if I don't rush out to buy it?"

"We've got it. On the shelf. Look under 'L'. Or 'A', for the director. Can't remember which. Edward, you're going to have to explain the filing system to me at some point."

"I will - when this game is over. You two ready?"

Rosalie looked at me disdainfully. "Of course I'm ready. I was ready when we were playing five minutes ago."

"Ditto," came from Emmett. "I was born ready."


	3. Groucho

**Jasper**

If vampires could get tired, I would be exhausted.

They've been playing for hours.

I have been reminded that Israel knocked out Iraq's nuclear reactor in 1981. That the most common goose in Canada is the Canada goose. That the 'J' in Donald Trump's name stands for John, and that the Holiday Inn hotels were named after a Bing Crosby film.

I have also discovered that Emmett and Rosalie are quite possibly the most stubborn people I know.

I guess I knew that already. But then again, our whole family is pretty stubborn.

I would have left hours ago, but I want to know who wins.

Alice knows. She's sitting next to me, smiling the smile of someone with insider information. I've asked her who it will be, but she won't tell me.

She told Edward, though. He's almost enjoying himself again. He lost it when the lovebirds had a bit of a spat, but once they picked up the board and apologised to Carlisle for interrupting him and promised Esme that they'd try to get along, he remembered that this was, quite possibly, the most amusing thing that has happened to our family this decade.

"What African animal's name is made up of the letters n,g and u?"

"The gnu."

"Who was the official hair consultant to the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics?"

"Vidal Sassoon."

"Do porcupines masturbate?"

"Yep."

**Emmett**

Another piece of pie is slotted into place. Another step closer to victory.

We've got four each. Whoever gets the next one wins.

It's got to be me.

**Rosalie**

First of all, I can't believe that he agreed to this. It was a joke.

When I came downstairs, I'd calmed down. I was ready to accept an apology. I was going to suggest that we went to that meadow that Edward's always talking about. But then he started on his rant about nail polish and grovelling, and I decided to have a little fun with him.

How was I supposed to know the fun would last six hours?

Now, it's not fun anymore. It's getting ridiculous.

**Edward**

In her head, Alice is chanting that Rosalie's going to win. It's getting a bit irritating.

"What's the last of a cat's senses to develop?"

**Rosalie**

If I throw this question, I could end it all. I could put us out of our misery that much quicker.

**Edward**

Alice is suddenly very worried: _Rose is going to end it herself. _

Would she do that?

"Hearing."

**Emmett**

"Wrong! It's sight!"

I can't believe it. She was _that_ close and she blew it. I've only got to get one piece of pie, and victory is mine.

Four.

"Which Marx brother began life with the first name Julius?"

"Groucho."

**Edward**

And, in his head, the chanting begins.

_Winner! Winner! Winner!_

Rosalie turns to Emmett. "You're right. Congratulations."

Emmett beams. "I can't believe it. I won!" Esme gives him a look from across the room. "But Rose..."

"Yes?"

"Just because I won... that doesn't mean I'm superior. I'm sorry I was a pain today. I'll try not to be in the future. I love you. I do."

Rosalie gives him a smile which would stop his heart if he had one. "I love you too, honey."

Before I know it, they're doing something which is a bit too PG to describe.

I have to leave the room. Those two are a bit too hands-on for my taste.


End file.
